Toxic Thinking Part 1

It's Sunday night and I begin a full schedule of meetings and counseling sessions tomorrow. It will be my seventh week in rehabilitation. So what have I learned. Well it seems the longer I am here, the more I learn I have to learn. I know for sure that one month would not have been nearly enough. I will be here for at least three months. But this is a good thing. I know for sure that to even try to place that which I need, time is needed. Time beyond whatever I would have ever conceived would have needed. But let's go beyond that. Let's talk about friends. I have formed the most myriad of friends here than ever in my past. They do literally come from all walks of life. They range from those who have spent decades in prison, to other 'light-weights' like me who have duis. We are all equivalent in that we know we have problems. And not a one of us is certain that our time here will be enough. But I think that is one of the saving graces about my journey here. This uncertainty propels us all to help each other. Oh for sure it's not glamorous. For those in recovery who can afford it, rehabilitation centers that match their budgets are far more attractive. But are they more effective? I don't know. But I have no doubt this is the best route for me.

I have another thing I want to write tonight. My ego has been boosted during my stay here by the pride those here take in my accomplishments and the fact that at times they can form a line wanting to see me. Can you imagine what it is like to have people here tell their family and friends there is a doctor here. They tell me how intelligent I am, how they like what I have to say in group. It seems all my life since my upbringing with my father I have sought this validation. After I first received my second dui, I spent a month with my brother. I was so kind among other things to take me to an AA meeting way out of his way wait two hours and then pick me up. On the way home he spoke of how intelligent I am. His praise was like a blanket swarming me. It felt so warm. I thought if only those in my family, including my in-laws could ever recognize as such. But this has its downside too. For it reminds me of the resentment I have held onto all my life. In this case for my brother-in-law who could not even recognize my achievement in earning my doctorate and the fact he could not make it to my after-party. But this is toxic thinking. I have not only held it against him, but so many others. This is a story I will continue in 'Toxic Thinking Part Two.' Needless to say, I have an overwhelming need for affirmation in a way that I believe is foreign to most. And being of this intelligence who do I go to talk physics, philosophy, metaphysics, etc. Very few indeed. What is ironic, some of the most intelligent people I have met who can carry on conversations in this realm. How many of you can say you've read Nietzsche. Not just a summary of him, but his collected works. Well guess what, I can say so, it's people here who have. I have had some of the most stimulating discussions in my life with former prisoners. They can put us all to shame.